Shining Light in the Darkness

The journey of healing is often not straight, clear or easy. There can be setbacks. We may fall down a black hole and feel immersed in the darkness, feeling hopeless or scared. Sometimes the fear and upset of others creates a toxic environment and pulls us into their darkness. What can we do at such times? Find a way to shine some light in the darkness. Our wellness can depend on it. And doing so can help us get back on the path to holistic health.

The following are a list of things one can do. None are “the” answer. And all can possibly help.

Breathe: Simple breathing exercises are an approach to a mindfulness practice. You can start without instruction and you don’t need extraordinary capabilities. Just create a quiet space, sit comfortably and breathe slowly and deeply.

Nurture yourself: Do at least one thing a day that you find nurturing, comforting and/or fun. Make a list of those things, with as much variety as you can think of. Some may be more involved, needing more time, money or the participation of others. Budget for those. Others may be simple, such as finding some pictures online that are fun and/or soothing. I had a blast finding images for this blog entry, especially about hugging. I noticed myself having fun, smiling, and feeling good. Another example of a simple joy for me is that I always feel better when I step outside, even briefly, into my back or front yard.

Do something physical: When we exercise, our body releases endorphins which make us feel better. Regular exercise has been proven to have myriad benefits, including reducing stress and improving sleep. The exercise doesn't need to be rigorous. It can be simple, like taking a walk or doing some yard work. Sometimes house work or decluttering can give us a boost. Not only are we moving, we are being productive, which can make us feel better about ourselves. Remember: a little exercise is better than nothing. Think of the Nike slogan: “Just do it.”

Reach out to someone safe. The human animal is a tribal creature. We need human interaction. And when we are “in the darkness”, we can feel particularly lonely. We can also be emotionally vulnerable so that reaching out can feel scary. Or we may feel embarrassed about our state of being and don’t want to face others. Or we may think we are a burden and don’t want to impose. Yet, if we are open, there is often someone who would be glad to be available to us. Dare to reach out and ask for what you want and need. Compassionate human contact can offer solace.

Ask for help: Too often, we expect ourselves to be able to handle any challenge alone. Some of us carry a belief that we “should” be self-sufficient, as if taking care of ourselves means doing it alone. We often need support and guidance to best handle a situation, especially if doing our best means creating change. Changing is difficult. All animals resist change including human animals. So, if you realize that you need to change yourself or something in your life, having support might assist you to do so. Help could look like therapy, coaching, a mentor, a 12-step program or myriad other possibilities.

Get some touch from someone you trust. With rare exceptions, we need touch. This can be another way to ask for help. If you don’t want to talk, find someone willing to do without the conversation, someone who is open to just giving you a hug. Or if you like animals, pet a cat or dog (yours or someone else’s). Or hug a tree. Not open to any of these options? Strange as it may sound, close your eyes and hug yourself. It can feel really good!

Journaling can be a valuable and safe way to vent or otherwise express ourselves. Doing so can often help shift our mental/emotional state. And we sometimes find answers to questions or challenges by journaling.

Write a letter to your sad self from your nurturing self. We all have a variety of aspects. Even those who are chronically depressed might find a part of themselves that is good at nurturing. If you love animals, are good with plants, or smile when you see a beautiful vista, there is a part of you that is kind, gentle and nurturing. Allow that part to nurture yourself. Step into that part and, from that perspective, write a letter of love and compassion to the place in you that is hurting. You might find some wonderful insights coming up from deep within, or just be comforted by a different point of view.

Help someone: Sometimes helping someone else can get us out of our funk. As we help others, we can tap into a sense of purpose, an experience that who we are and what we do matters. Helping others might also help to put our own misfortunes in a different perspective as we experience that others are worse off than we are. And helping someone else can be part of reconnecting to others, supporting us to get out of isolation and re-establishing ourselves as part of a “tribe”. If you don’t know someone to help, explore volunteer opportunities, such as those offered through VolunteerMatch.org.

Be understanding: It is common to be embarrassed by backsliding, and to be frustrated, lonely or depressed at times. What you are experiencing is part of the human condition. Have empathy and compassion for yourself. Let it be okay to feel what you are feeling. Then nudge yourself to take action such as one of the above suggestions. Chances are that if you do take some kind of action, you will start to feel better.

© Bibi Caspari 2015

The Most Difficult Emotion

A range of emotions

People may have anger issues. Or get a sudden panic attack. Or be grief stricken. There are a lot of emotions and they all have their challenges. In certain respects, I consider shame to be the most difficult emotion to deal with.

The cause is out there

We can find a way to justify our anger, anxiety or sadness. It is due to something out there. We can have righteous anger due to some injustice. Anxiety looms because of something that has happened or could happen, a situation that raises fear inside us. We experience loss of someone or something and feel grief. We can explain these emotions to ourselves, understand what leads to feeling them and in doing so, perhaps find a way to make peace with them. This is not to belittle any of these emotions and the possible impact they may have on our lives. There are versions of each that can be devastating and debilitating.

The cause is in here

But shame isn’t about something out there. The essence of shame is that it is about oneself. Sometimes it is triggered by something as simple as making a mistake or not following through on a commitment. I’ve done something “wrong” and I feel ashamed. Shame is about me at my very core being bad or wrong or inadequate. We can’t explain it away by pointing to something out there. It’s the most naked of emotions. We can feel totally exposed and want to run away and hide.

Hiding doesn’t work

Sometimes we do run away and hide. We feel ashamed and retreat from the world. Or sometimes we hide from our shame by transforming it into anger or a different emotion, often by finding someone or something to blame. Or sometimes we hide by creating a mask or armor that may shield us from the world but which also costs us by prohibiting us from being our authentic self. Whatever way we choose to do so, in hiding, it just worsens the situation because hiding tends to reinforce the shame, making us feel like an outcast. We often end up with a distorted sense of ourselves, a view that inflames the shame. This can lead to a vicious cycle in which my shame leads to hiding which leads to reinforcing my shame which leads to a greater need to hide.

Forgiveness works

The first step to healing shame is forgiveness. I need to forgive myself for my blunder, my mistake, for not being perfect, for being human. I know that such realizations sound trite and obvious. And, like any other realization, they are trite and obvious to the rational mind. But to the emotive mind, to that place inside that has the fears and doubts, to have such realizations and to own them is to start the reclamation of peace of mind through love and compassion for oneself. In doing so, we can let go, breathe deeply, and know that we are okay.

Welcome to the human race. Welcome home.

© Bibi Caspari 2012

Disappearing the Onion

What, again?

In personal development, people often get frustrated when facing the same old issue again and again. Fear of failure, running away from confrontation, succumbing to temptations – whatever the issue, it tends to be present in our lives and in our healing work repeatedly.

Peeling the onion

Often we are told by therapists or others who support us that healing and personal growth is a process. The image of peeling the onion is used as a metaphor. When a layer of an onion is peeled away, there is another layer underneath. When we are working on healing an issue, while we can make progress, it is like peeling away a layer. Another layer of the same stuff is underneath. We have to face it again. Perhaps it looks a bit different or has a lesser intensity but nevertheless, it’s essentially the same stuff. I think that the image of peeling the onion is supposed to help us be compassionate with ourselves by helping us understand that it is inevitable to have to face our issues repeatedly. After all, our issues are our issues. In some ways, they don’t really change. In peeling the onion, perhaps we uncover and discover something about an issue and understand it more. Or there is less of the issue/onion as we go deeper. Or we no longer need to cry when peeling it.

The endless task

However, for many people, the onion image really doesn’t seem to be soothing. After all, the layers seem endless, perhaps even infinite. We keep peeling and the frigging onion is still there! Instead of being a way to compassionately explain the process of healing, the onion image can emphasize the futility of personal development. Or at least that was the way it sometimes looked to me. Until I started to have experiences that changed my perspective.

A new world

Yes, the onion/issue was always there. Yes, I would continue to find ways to process and heal the issue. Yes, it would appear less often and less intensely in my life. And then, all of a sudden, one day, it was gone! I don’t even remember what triggered the shift or what specific issue I was dealing with, but suddenly, it was like I was in a different world. There was this universe in which I and my onion, uh, issue, existed. And I was forever peeling the damn thing. And then suddenly, it was gone, totally gone, as if in a different parallel universe in which I could look across, like Alice through the looking glass, see that other world where the onion existed and yet be free of it. Here and now, where I presently was, it didn’t exist. I was at peace. Liberated. What joy! It was blissful. Later, a shift happened and I was back in the world where the issue existed. Yet, that world would never be the same because I had inhabited, for even a moment, that other world in which the issue didn’t exist.

Living in two worlds

Since then, I continue to peel the onion while I simultaneously cultivate my ability to travel to and live in that alternative dimension, the one without the onion. I have since learned that the issues disappear, not by repressing them or detaching from the world and others, but by healing, and by opening my heart, mind and being more fully. As time goes on and I do more of my inner work, I seem to be getting better at disappearing the onion.

© 2012 Bibi Caspari