Wednesday, March 11, 2015

The Empowerment of Saying “No”

I want!
I so dearly wanted to go to the very special week-long event that many of my friends have been to. The mission of the organization is very much in alignment with some of my key values. Registration was coming up and it sells out quickly. I needed to decide soon if I were going to go. I did some research online about the event, listened to the cacophony of my inner voices, created stillness and silence, and heard a clear “No”. 

Hard to say “Yes”
Some people have a hard time saying “Yes” to life. They are afraid of taking risks, tend to play it safe, and prefer a path that is tried and true. I have the opposite challenge. 

Hard to say “No”
I am an extremely creative, passionate woman. I see opportunity everywhere. I am bursting with ideas of projects I want to do and places I want to go to. Consequently, I am very good at creating overwhelm. It is my biggest challenge. Thankfully, as a coach, I am my own best client. I regularly meditate and use other disciplines and healing modalities that support me to clear and center. Through such processes, I get a more refined sense of who I am and where I want to go that I believe is in alignment with the highest good. This clarity supports me to be more effective in making choices that empower me. 

The empowerment of saying “No”
We need to be able to say “No” to be empowered. We need to say “No” in order to be able to say “Yes” fully. My greedy inner child wants to have, do and be it all. But if I don’t say “No” and create clear, powerful priorities in alignment with my deepest truth of who I am, then I stay in the stress of overwhelm, create defeat and failure because I’m dispersed. It feels good and empowering to say “No” appropriately. 

Fear of abandonment
Saying “No” can be difficult and confronting. In saying “No” to a person or opportunity, it can bring up the fear of abandonment. If I say “No” this time, will I be invited next time? Am I going to be forgotten? Left behind? Will I get the support I want when I need it?

Fear of the unknown
In making a choice, I may also experience the fear of letting go and of the unknown. What am I missing in the path not taken? What repercussions is this choice going to have? It can be particularly difficult in times of transition and flux when I may be uncertain of exactly what I want to say “Yes” to. Sometimes, it’s important to take a huge risk and live in the question. It may be important and powerful to wait and stay open; to not make a decision too quickly, even though the uncertainty can be very scary.   

The richness of life
Even with saying “No” to some directions and opportunities, I still have multiple focuses. My projects and other facets of my life are connected to deeply meaningful aspects of myself. It can feel like I constantly grapple with Sophie’s Choice: which “child” shall I let die? What works for me is juggling, participating sequentially. For instance, I keep several projects going simultaneously, though focusing intently on whatever I am choosing to do in the moment. I find that the various projects can feed me in different ways and so are synergistic. (Check out a wonderful TED talk about this approach to life related to being a “multipotentialite”.)  Besides, when I create stillness and silence, and listen clearly, I can usually hear what’s next and thus prioritize effectively. I can reframe my numerous directions and change overwhelm to abundance. Instead of feeling stressed, I feel blessed with the richness of life. 

Say “Yes” fully
Of course, the point is to say “No” in order to get to a bigger, stronger, brighter, more powerful “Yes”. Some people never get to a powerful “Yes”. They make excuses, drag their heels, stay dispersed or hold back in other ways. Ultimately, the point is to say “Yes” fully, to make a commitment and give oneself wholly to the choice one makes. While there can be challenges along the way, a powerful “Yes” is the door to joy and bliss.

© Bibi Caspari 2015

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